I am not supposed to mention this to anyone, but I have to get it off my chest. Mo and I have been talking about marriage. He kind of asked me on our anniversary... the conversation continued a couple days later and I said I was fine with that being the proposal and that we should look at rings. We have spent the last two days at jewelry stores and I am so overwhelmed. I don't know what I want and I see all these guys there picking out the ring for their unsuspecting girlfriend and that's what I want. I am super picky and Mo does not want to get my a ring that I won't like and I understand that, but if he would have gone in by himself they would have told him that he can pick a solitary ring out for the proposal and then bring it back in so I could chose a band. It makes me sad that he didn't even make the effort to go look without me. It makes me sad that I won't have a proper proposal. We are on a tight budget, so if he bought a ring it would be pretty obvious... but I know if he tried he would be able to pull it off. It's like he does not want to make the effort. I want the surprise proposal... I don't want to have to worry about picking out a perfect ring.... I want him. I know that completely. Just the thought of being his wife has made both of us so happy lately. I don't want to put him in debt or making anything harder... I just want to marry him.

I haven't written in a long time. Let's see updates...

-I quit my job and am living off my tax refund and enjoying being a stay at home mom for the time being. Mo changed his schedule at work, so now he gets home at 9:30. Which is much better than 11:30... It makes the days not seem so long.


-I am taking a life coaching course. It's called Impact. It should change my perspective on life and hopefully help with my anxiety. It should be a pretty hardcore course. It's 4 days and pretty much all day. It's also three tiers... so once I finish the first 4 days there will be another course a week after. It costs alot of money, so I really hope that it works. I have few friends that have gone through it and they swear by it. If this fails then I am finally going on medication. Which... if you know me at all. I hate medication.

-Tomorrow is my one year anniversary with Mo. I can't believe it's only been a year. It feels like so much longer. Probably because we have gone through everything already. I have been unemployed twice... we have been on vacation... he has moved in... my son has called him dad. We are pretty damn official.

- I have lost alot of friends. My best friend is pretty much out of my life now. She showed me that our friendship means nothing to her... even though I let her live with me twice cause she couldn't take care of herself or her kids. I was always there for her... I guess it's better that I am not wasting the effort anymore.

That's about it...

Oh, also. I am wearing a sundress in winter... I really miss summer. 

I have come to a new understanding lately. I have decided that my life is all based on perspective. I had a mini nervous breakdown last night. I had a lot of pent up feelings that I had not told anyone about. They were just festering... and creating my inevitable collapse. My poor boyfriend was there when I broke. He said I love you and I just started crying. We have had a hard time with communication lately, so I didn't feel like I could be open with him. He is the one person I should be able to go to and I was so scared of what he would think of me.

When he met me I was at this great point in my life. I was independent and happy. I was at a point that I had never been at before. I have a hard time making friends, especially at places of employment, but this was the first job where I was friends with everyone. Where I was happy to go to work and the people that I worked with seemed like a second family. I thought I was cured from this anti social behavior, but I was wrong. I don't feel like I belong at all at my new job. The first few weeks were really hard cause I was mostly silent all day. After awhile I have started to talk to a few people, but I can't really see myself becoming friends with anyone of them. Aside from playing on xbox live. This has taken a huge toll on me. I miss my job. I miss that life. I am not happy with the person that I have become. I don't know how he can still love me. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I hardly ever clean. I feel like a horrible parent because my son is completely out of control and I don't know what to do.  I only see him at night and on the weekends and I should be able to handle him, but I can't. :(


All this came pouring out of me last night. Luckily my boyfriend was there to hold me and let me get it out. I kept asking him why he wanted to be with me, when he could be with someone that doesn't have a kid and doesn't have these issues. His response was "I happen to like that three year old and I happen to adore you." My heart just melted. I feel so selfish and stupid when my life is so amazingly full of greatness and all I can focus on are the bad things. We laid in bed and talked for awhile and I realized that I miss my old life so much, but at the time I wasn't happy with that either. I take a lot for granted. And everything was perfect then... and everything is perfect now. It's just my perspective. It's hard not to focus on the negatives especially when I can so easily fall into a depression spiral, but I am going to try. 

My life is great right now. My job might be a little hard to deal with and my son might be hard to handle, but I love my son and my boyfriend and that's all that matters. They are always here for me and I couldn't ask for anything more.

I just read a review of the new Cure album 4:13 Dream and now am very curious to hear the album. I pretty much gave up on The Cure. I will always love their old stuff, but didn't think that they were capable of producing worthwhile music anymore. The reviews that I read were comparing the new cd to "Wish"... one of my favorites...

I am going to try and obtain a copy of it tonight. Has anyone heard it yet? I need some feedback.

Watching the Obama speech last night was quite the experience. It felt like a great moment in history that I was able to be a part of. Something that I will definitely look back on as a the start of something new. You could just see the hope in the everyone's eyes. We are all struggling so much right now and have been for a long time. He is the person that we can look up to and that can relate with our stories and hardships. He has so much to live up to now. My only concern is that if it doesn't work out and he can't live up to all these expectations... it will be the last hope America has. After that I doubt we would have another democratic president. We would be strict right wing and become the arrogant asshole America that everyone knows us to be. I really hope that this really does produce a change in America. I am happy that is what the general population wants that as well.

Did I do something to piss off the gods lately? Or bring in some killing chi with my feng shui?

Everything has been going wrong lately...

I stabbed myself while cutting an avocado yesterday and can't really use my left hand now...

Today I accidentally hit a garbage can that was out too far in the road. I thought I was far enough away... but I thought oh well. It didn't too any damage... until I got out and realize my right side mirror was gone.

My job is horrible. People are so mean to me there and I really hate dreading to go to work.

I've just been in this bad funk lately and don't know what to do about it. :(

I really hope that is the last of things to go wrong.

My car is falling apart and I don't know how long its going to last. It is so dangerous driving it. My shocks are gone, my power steering is screwed, and now with a bum hand its even harder to try and steer it.

*sigh*

Just let me get a new car soon. I'll stay at my job if that's what it will allow me to do.

I need some good luck.

Please send some my way.

Now that I am working and can afford it I really want to take a sewing class. Does anyone know where a good one is in Salt Lake City, UT? I don't have a sewing machine or anything, so I would need to go somewhere that provided that stuff.

I started my new job on Monday. The first day was really easy, but I realized instantly that I hated the people that work there. They are all really bitchy and rude to each other and I had no desire to talk to anyone. They let me go home early cause they didn't have enough work for me. So that made me a little worried that it would even be a full time job.

Second day they gave me so much work after only one day of training. They were trying to teach all these new things, when I was still trying to fully grasp what I was trained on the day before. The lady that was training me was so rude. Anytime I asked a question she acted so put out and treated me like I was stupid. I got to a point where I was scared to ask anymore questions even though everything that I was doing was completely new to me. I left work crying. I was going to quit. It was so hard for me to get up and go to work today.

However, today was a lot better. There was less work. I started catching on much quicker. The trainer was still completely rude and made me feel like shit... plus my boss thought I was completely incompetent. Sent me emails reminding me what to do like I didn't already know. Just her attitude about it was rude. I went to lunch and they have an xbox in the breakroom... but the only people that are ever in there are girls... so they never know whos xbox is it or if its okay if I play it. So finally one of the guys came in and we started a huge conversation on what game was better call of duty or halo... we exchanged gamer tags and we'll probably play online soon. Then around 4 it was just me and the super snobby girl that sits next to me left. I had no desire to talk to her cause she just seems like a bitch, but then her phone went off and it was a smashing pumpkins song. I asked her if she liked them and said their old stuff... so I knew instantly that we would get along...

Today seemed like my day for impressing people. I was talking to my boss about how I need more work to and she already started training me on new things. I did over half the work that was supposed to be split between two people. The guy in the breakroom probably didn't think that I knew anything about games when I asked him about the xbox, but was completely surprised when he found out I was a true gamer. His words "wow, so you really are a hardcore gamer" ... and the snob girl with the pumpknis ringtone probably thought that I just liked the songs on radio by the pumpkins... but I went off about how their older stuff is different and that they can't call it the same band when it has different members... it really is Zwan 2... For two days she ignored me and was always rude... after that she offered to help me with some things and was pretty nice.

So... things are going okay so far. I feel confident in the work I am doing and think that maybe this is where I am supposed to be right now. I at least see it as a job that gets me a hell of a lot of excel experience. That is what I need to get the kind of job that I actually want. Sky is back in daycare... soon I will money to help out with bills and hopefully get a new car and move out.

Things are looking up. Only thing that sucks is Mo's schedule... I wake up and he is in bed... and he gets home around 1130... we spend an hour together and then I have to go to bed. He works Sundays... so we really only get Saturday together... every other Saturday is when he does he D&D stuff with his friends... so really I will hardly ever get to see him. =(

I got a job! 

I start Monday.

I am totally excited.

Sky can be back in daycare.

It is a full time job.

Should be PERFECT!

YAY!

I also went and saw Sexdrive, which really made me realize that everything I love is right in front of me. I know it wasn't supposed to invoke that sort of response... but it did.

-----
My heart skips a beat
waiting
wondering
hoping
holding onto something
that won't last.
------

Part of me feels that I need to get rid of certain people in my life... that are no longer beneficial in my life.

Still deciding...

I have decided that I am going to go on a juice fast. I was going to try a colon cleansing program, but I figure that will be to harsh. I need to find someone that has a juicer and then I am well on my way. I think it is a good time to do something like this since I am out of work and all. Many people have tried to get me to do that water/cayenne pepper fast, but that was too much. I think I will be able to handle juice fasting a lot more.

I went to an interview today that seemed like it went well. It is for Macy's, yes retail... but that is the only type of work that is readily hiring lots of people. I would have a perfect part time schedule...10-2. I would be working in the merchandising department. Which means that I would put out new clothes and size everything. I used to do this when I worked at TJ Maxx, so I wouldn't mind it at all. Plus it's at cottonwood mall which is about 2 minutes from my place. Perfect for the winter! And best of all I don't have to deal with sales and people during the holidays. I am sure I will get it. I am just waiting for them to call. :D

Halloween is coming up and I think I have resorted to dressing up masquerade style. The first Halloween store I went into had this beautiful black and gold mask with peacock feathers. I fell in love with it! I didn't buy it then, but I went back a few weeks later and it was still there... so I knew it was for me! I am wearing that mask with a cute velvet baby doll dress with a black petticoat underneath. It's going to look super sexy and I am way excited!

 I am also wearing this for An October Evening. I am soooo looking forward to this event. It's the one thing that makes me happy to live in Utah. It's pretty much the only cool event we have.

I am torn in every aspect of my life.

I feel like I am meant for more than this.

My heart yearns for something else.

Is this really all there is?

So I have discovered some new music... I was on Last FM... and ran across the Faith and the Muse profile... I completely forgot about this band... I used to love them when I was like 17.. ish. I was so happy to hear them again. I wanted to find more music similar cause I just seem to be in that sort of mood lately... Something about that music seems to connect with this time of year. It's dark, but yet sounds like it's coming right from mother earth. The kind of music where I could dance around in the middle of the forest on a moonlit night... Music that really connects your soul to nature. I guess that's the mood that I am in lately. There are few bands that can really give you that feeling... aside from Faith and the Muse and some Within Temptation songs.  So... I went on to Pandora.com... and made a Faith and the Muse radio station... and since have found some amazing bands. I could probably listen to this station for the rest of my life and be content... maybe throw in some vnv and I would be perfectly happy. They did already play Apoptgyma Berzerk-Near... so I am sure some more ebm stuff will be coming soon. I suggest everyone check out this Pandora station... it is absolutely amazing. A few bands they have played so far as Chiasm, Diva Destruction, Dead Can Dance, and Dead Soul Tribe. yummmm!

Aside from my new musical interests... I am still waiting to hear from that real estate job that I want. I am pretty sure that I will get it. They just assume that people will wait around three weeks until they decide what they want. I am going to call them tomorrow and let them know that I need to keep looking for a job if they are not interested. We'll see how that goes.

My time right now mostly consists of cleaning... and playing video games. I am also re-reading the Sandman comics, but that doesn't take up too much of my time. I want to redecorate my room... its such a boring place to be. I can't even clean in there cause I just hate it so much. I took down all my posters aside from my faeries, sandman, cowboy bebop, and shaun of the dead ones... so it fills completely empty to me. I want a canopy bed with some sheer curtains. I want a very serene sensual environment and I am really not getting that right now. As soon as I get a job those will be some of my first purchases. :D

I just got done talking to Ronan... lead singer of VNV. He is such an amazing person. I have been having a dilemma lately about if my boyfriend will ever appreciate my music the way I do. It seemed silly, but after talking to him and knowing he feels the same way. I know its important. I just haven't figured out how important. As I was explaining to a friend... that if someone could experience music the way I do... it would almost be better than sex... just laying down closing your eyes and letting the music take over you. I want to experience that with someone.... Anyway, Ronan says Hi! to SLC. :D

Now I have to listen to Endless Skies, if there is a song that can touch my soul it is probably this one.  I love this song so much... There are very few people that can appreciate this song as I do. The people the can almost feel like soul mates to me. Like we share something that no one else will ever understand.

How many years
Since you found yourself,
Staring at an endless sky…

Unaware of yourself,
Who you are and where you're going…
Only living…only breathing,
Losing all sense of time.

The most fragile of things,
Captivates and embraces you.
Surrender, and be witness,
To this rarest of moments…

You live within the sense,
Of the order of things,
What is truth…
What is important…
What defines you.

No need to fear.
No need to worry.

About years that passed.
About time you lost.

Live seconds as a lifetime…
Time it does not matter.
You live within the sense,
Of the stillness of time.

How many years…
How many years…
How many years…

The most fragile of things,
Captivates and embraces you…
Surrender, and be witness
To this rarest of moments.

Where you live within the sense,
Of the order of things,
What is truth,
What is important,
What defines you.

No need to fear,
No need to worry,
About years that passed,
Or time you lost.

Live a second as a lifetime,
Time doesn't matter!

How many years…
How many years…
How many years…

Since you found yourself,
Since you found yourself,
Since you found yourself,

Staring at an Endless Sky……

I want to move away... I want to start over... I want friends I can count on... and people that will be there for me... I want a boyfriend that will romance me and sweep me off my feet... I want something new. I want to leave everything behind....

I know that none of this would change... because I can't run away from myself. I wouldn't become a different person... I would still be me and things would still be the same...

And they all chase after you.. everyone of them hoping to have the most witty thing to say. I used to be just the same way...

"Writers are liars, my dear. Surely, you have realized that by now?"

Anyway...

Still jobless... almost done with my decluttering.. only have one closet left to go through and then some small cupboards. The place feels lighter, cleaner, more comfortable to be in. I am worried for the day that I have it all finished. What will I spend my time doing after that? Hopefully I will find a job soon.

I go in for an MRI tomorrow... maybe find out why I have been having these strange headaches. I am not really concerned about the procedure...  more the results. My mom is taking me out to dinner and to go shopping after though. So, that should be nice.

I am starting to worry that my boyfriend and I aren't on the same wavelength. I can't really explain it... but I feel like certain people are just set to different vibrations and that those people are meant to be together...as friends/lovers.. what have you. Those people are open to different things and bring in a different kind of energy... I just fear that our energy clashes. I am at higher vibration... or maybe have been around longer... I have my theories. I sound crazy if you are not open to them though. So, I think thats as much as I will say.

My birthday is coming up. I am getting pretty excited for it. Not so much for anything that is going to happen that day, but for the presents that I know I am receiving. Sexy new knee high boots, a new camera (finally), and a new fall wardrobe.  yay!

I am so incredibly sick and tired of my so called friends... Well one in particular. She pretends to be there for me, but really its only when it works for her. I have done nothing but always help her out when she needed it. Hell, I let her live here twice for free! She keeps making horrible decisions and I am just there for her so she can get back on her feet. You would think she would appreciate this...  We become super close when she lives here and then when she moves out we don't see each other for months. Because her needs are more important... cause she has her own shit going on that she cant make room for her friends... well until she needs help of course. 

I called her to ask for some interview advice cause she says she can get any job... She went off on why people won't hire me and said I am too lackidaisical. She pretty much just made me feel ten times shittier and  lowered my self confidence... making the upcoming interview seem much worse. 

She then went off about my parenting skills and that I am too lackidaisical in that. Saying that no wonder my son doesn't listen to me... and that I need to put him back in day care where he is in a stable place.

Seriously fuck her. I have always been there for her. She isn't some great parent either... hell she lost custody of her kids... but I try and take it as constructive criticism and I just can't do that anymore. She gets herself in these shitty situations... and she'll never learn and always need someone to help... but guess what. I will not be there next time.

I miss having real friends... a real support group. People that will be there for me just like I would be there for them. These days it just seems like its only when its convenient. Normally I am okay with that... but right now I just need someone to talk too... My boyfriend is great, but he is not really supportive. :(

I had my interview and I have to say that I really want that job. I love fashion and I love working in an office environment, so the two mixed is just too perfect. I don't really know how the interview went cause I have never been to one quite like this.

They didn't have a conference room available so they took me into the middle of the customer service area where there were some tables and chairs... I had three people interviewing me. They asked me some weird questions... only three of them were actual interview questions and nothing about my previous employment... more just what I am looking for in a new job... which really pissed me off cause I could have told them how my previous responsibilities would help them in this position. They asked me some fashion questions and some math questions... which were hit or miss...

who the hell knows what a tunic is? 

They made me take a quick excel test, which honestly was so easy, but I couldn't think straight so I missed a few of the questions. They just had me sit at someones desk while all three of them watched from behind me.

Then they asked if I had any questions for them. I had to turn my neck in the chair and decide who to look at when asking the questions... I had so many things that I wanted to ask and that I still wanted to go over... but the situation was so weird. I asked a few and then she told me that she would walk me out.

In the elevator she asked me some more questions about salary and when i would be able to start. She told me they were leaving for LA and that they would call me later that day (which they didn't) or when they got back to let me know if I got the position.

It was all very strange and looking back I would have done a lot different. I really don't feel like I got the job... but there is still a little bit of hope in me. I really want it and I am so close to calling her back and letting her know that I had a few more questions and want to meet with her again before they make their decision.  

I can't think of a job that would be more perfect for me and I am so tired of looking.

:(

I am still out of work.. its been almost four months now I think... I guess I have grown comfortable with it... probably not in a healthy way though. More in the way that you become scared of leaving than comfortable with staying. I enjoy spending my mornings with Mo and I like staying up with him after he gets home from work... but aside from that its like I have amnesia every week and I forget how much I hate being at home after he leaves for work. 

Sometimes I enjoy myself... read, play video games, scrapbook... but most of the time I just wander aimlessly wishing I had something to do. My friends invite me out and I make up excuses not to go... "Skylar won't behave" "I don't want to drive in rush hour" "I'll hang out with them tomorrow"... It never happens. I sit here all day and try to entertain myself...

Lately it has been really bad. I started new birth control pills which have made my hormones go hay wire again. I hate the side effects, but I also hate being in agonizing pain when I have cramps. I will deal with them for two months and hope that my body will get used to them. Until then I am having crazy mood swings where one moment I am crying and the next I am fine. I have been hopelessly depressed and also pretty high strung. Maybe it's just my bi-polar rearing its ugly head again. 

I have a job interview tomorrow that I am greatly looking forward too. It seems like it would be the perfect job, plus right in the area of my old job so I could go to lunch with my old friends from work and I would work with some old high school friends as well. I would be working with clothes and fashion and would probably be searching prices for different apparel. I think it would be the absolute perfect fit. I just don't know if I am prepared for an interview right now.

I haven't made any other attempts at looking for a job. I am sick of interviews... every job that I have interviewed seems like they are going to hire me. I have only been offered one job and it was for a part time phone job which I had to turn down for lack of benefits.

I miss my job. I miss how confident it made me feel. I miss being social and seeing my friends everyday. I miss feeling important. I miss everything about it. I don't think I will ever find another job like that. I have a hard time making friends with people that I work with. They always already have their little circles formed and it feels like high school all over again. At that job everyone was just starting out and we all became friends from the beginning. I miss having my boyfriend walk me out to my car after work... and leaving flowers and notes on my desk... bring me lunch. Having random video game, horror movie, comic book conversations with people that worked there. I was friends with at least 2 people in every department... not including everyone in mine. I just dont see myself being that social again... especially not in this current state that I am in.

I wish I wouldn't have lost that job. I was making great money and Sky was doing good in daycare. I was happy. I was healthy. I was mentally balanced. I could have moved out and got a great place with Mo. Things could have been wonderful... but now I am stuck in this downward spiral...

I am trying to have hope. To think that I will find a great job and things will just go back to how they were... but I don't see it happening. I don't see myself becoming stable again. I gained so much from developing my own independence. I just hope that I can get that back again...

I am so tired of not having a job. It's turning my life upside down. I never leave the house anymore. I hardly ever want to hang out with my friends... I never answer my phone. I am completely isolating myself. I want my boyfriend to be able to have a life separate from me. I thought I was able to do this until he wanted to go do something with his friends Friday. I didn't know what to do... I am so used to spending all my time with him... plus the thought of staying in the house another night with my son just made me want to scream. He changed his plans and chose to hang out with me... but I dont want him to have to do that. I used to be so independent. I want that back. I know that I shouldn't need to have a job to feel that way, but right now I do. I don't feel like I have any self worth or that I do anything productive. I know I am a full time mom, but I just want a break from that. I am so tired of potty training and being super crazy mom trying to discipline him.

My friend stayed here over the week and it was nice to have company at night... this next week is going to be hell now. She also helped me with the some potty training and disciplining tricks... which in turn made me feel like a bad parent cause she could so easily get my son to listen to her. She also took over on cooking and made me feel inadequate at that. I know she wasn't trying to do that, but thats how I felt.

I don't know what kind of job I want... I thought I did, but after countless interviews nothing appeals to me. I can always find something wrong about a job. I was going to settle for a Sample Receiving Clerk position that makes $16... but after much grief from my friends I think I have decided against it. I would handling chemical substances that could potentially be dangerous. I would be working for OSHA... so I didnt think it was a concern... but I would rather not risk it.  It really is hard to turn down a good paying job though, especially when there is such a lack of them out there.

I am going to go out to a few more interviews this week... I need to get out of my apartment. I hate it here. I have the worst allergies and I am constantly sick... but usually shortly after I leave I feel better. I also now have medical insurance... so I will going to numerous doctor appts to get shit figured out. Sadly, I cant find a dentist that accepts Medicaid so I will probably have more root canals by the time I get real insurance.. Oh well I guess I have to make the best of it.

I have been looking at the positive side of things.. well at least trying too... and I think that I worked at my last job just to meet Mo... not really saying that I should have been fired or that I needed to leave, but it was almost as I accomplished what was meant for me there and now its time to move on.

Saturday was our 6 month anniversary. I can't believe it's only been six months. I hope we make it alot longer.. .I just feel like this space away from work is really changing who I am and not for the best. I need to get back into therapy or maybe start some medication... something to pick me up off the ground. My anxiety has been really bad lately... I feel like everything that I worked to fight for... everything that I accomplished without medication is back... maybe not full force, but close enough. That worries me greatly, I dont want to lose the things I love so much. :(