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stupid pmdd

I feel like I am consumed with rage right now. Like it's seeping out of me trying to find an outlet. This is the second month in a row where I have felt like this... and always on the same day. Seems like more than a coincidence. I am almost 99% sure that I have a hormonal imbalance. I am sure my whole family does. It scares me because my sister is turning into me and I am turning into my mother. It's just a series of downfalls that just get worse and worse. I really thought my sister was going to escape it all. I was her age when my anxiety crap hit me. I was so outgoing and crazy in my teens and then around 19ish the anxiety started to destroy my life. It just got worse and worse and pretty soon I had isolated myself from everything. She is just barely starting to face her anxiety and she is a far more outgoing person than I ever was. I really hope she finds a way to overcome it. I am really considering hormone replacement therapy. It seems like something that I would really need and that would help. I have spent all of today thinking about what kind of help I need. Are my issues medical... should I see a doctor??? Are they a food allergy?? Are they hormonal? Am I just freaking insane... should I see a psychiatrist??? I had a breakdown where I was certain I was going to have to be committed. I then realized that I have control over my body and freaking out was only going to make it worse. Because I understand how panic attacks would and the chemicals that are pushed through your body. It helped. I calmed down, but any time I start to think about it I can feel a meltdown beginning again. I just wish I knew what route to take. I don't have money to see every doctor and see which one can "fix" me... I was so ready to just take on my problems and stop seeing doctors or worrying, but this god damn pmdd is driving me up the wall. I get so irritable that even just talking to me you can tell that I want to bite someones head off. Sigh...

On a much less serious note... I am sure I am just over analyzing this and thinking about it too much, but I pissed at my friends. My friend that I have known for 15+ years had a book signing the other night with a $12 book that was maybe 20 pages. I am completely broke and I HATE going to clubs (where her signing was at) BUT because I am a good friend I attended and bought the book. Would she do something like that for me? I highly doubt it. My son's birthday party is coming up and all she has to do is sit in a damn chair and bring her kids and she said maybe she'll attend. And my other friend which I have helped out SOOO many times doesn't really act like a friend either. Her friend just had a baby and this is a friend that she talks about behind her back about how she is sick of hanging out with her and whatnot... and she had to be there for the babies labor. She has known this girl a year... and she has known me 5... she didn't even come see Ari when she was in the hospital. Ari was probably already 2 months old before she even met her. It just makes me mad that I don't have close friends that I can count on. It makes it even worse that my husband has this close knit group of friends and they are always there to help each other out. I feel like I only have friends when its convenient for them. It would probably help my mental health a lot more if I had some kind of support group.

Bah. I just need this week to be over so I can get back to myself. I was feeling a lot better lately. Working, getting ready to start school, preparing for all our adventures this summer. Why can't my brain focus on the good stuff instead.

its already been too long.

I had a crazy weekend and because of that I haven't been able to write. The fact that all my thoughts are swimming around in my head is driving me crazy. Right now the thought currently on my mind is the passing of my husband's friend. I didn't get a chance to know him very well, but from what I did know he was a great guy. My best memory of him is when he was helping me move he picked up a beaded necklace that I have and in front of my parents and everyone asked if they were anal beads. heh. I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I keep crying and then trying to push back the tears because I feel it shouldn't affect me. It's so hard to wrap your head around death. To actually accept that that person is gone. It's so strange that one day they are here and the next they aren't. It's been awhile since I have had to think about such things. I have known quite a few people that passed away recently, but none that I was very close to. It makes me very sad that I never got to know him. I was talking to my friend about it and she told me to take it as a lifes lesson to never let someone go out of your life without knowing who they are.

Aside from that, we found out that we have mold in Sky's room. So he has had to sleep upstairs with us for the weekend and probably a few more days. They are going to replace the carpet and fix the rain gutter, so that it doesn't happen anymore. Yesterday he was a little demon and I was going to have a nervous breakdown trying to deal with him. my friend gave me some pointers and told me to talk to him about my feelings and see if that helped him express his. He kind of told me what was bothering him and that was a good start. I have started using that method today and I feel like it is working much better. I really feel like super mom today. I went to work this morning doing telesales and then came home and cleaned the house and took care of the kids and got a lot of stuff taken care of in regards to our finances and work and such.

I am going to start working from home. I worked for two hours today without a single appt made and I was about ready to quit. Then silly enough I got to the "Allisons" ( I was cold calling from the phone book) and my husband recently befriended a girl named Allison at work and it has made me jealous. Anyway, I wasn't going to call any of them cause it just made me irked to look at the name. However the third Allison I called booked an appt. That gave me confidence to keep going. So we decided I would work 10 hours a week from home. Now I just have to figure out a home phone and laptop issue. Hopefully that will work.

It will be nice to be able to stay home with my family again. Also with Mo getting rid of his jeep and us becoming a one car family. I will be able to do fun stuff in the mornings and not feel trapped at home all night.

I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard right now, but things are going to get better. =)

BodyTalk

So, an acquaintance of mine is getting her certification in this BodyTalk program. She had to do 50 free consultations. She called me and said that the program would tap into my innate wisdom and see what my body/mind wanted to focus on.

She asked what my main concerns were and I said anxiety. She did some kinseology stuff and came up with communication. That my body and mind cant communicate with each other and that I can't talk to other people because I cant talk to myself. She also came up with that I need to give my body permission to heal. That I had forgotten how. Also... that my body was working on an older operating system and it was ready for something new.

Her analogy was I am working with Window 95 when I need to be updated to Windows 7. Which makes perfect sense to me. Especially with my last post about feeling like I am on the edge of cliff and if I pull myself up I will be a new person/new operating system. If I keep going this way I am going to crash and burn.

I really found the whole thing amazing. I am looking forward to doing more consults with her. She said that the information would be "downloaded" within a week and that I would see some great results. I know most people would think this is all new age crap, but she didnt charge me anything for it and would be doing the consults for half price. She didn't seem to be in it for the money.

We got talking and she is also a holistic practitioner and we are going to meet up this weekend for a appointment. She charges $95, which I would previous have thought was a lot, but after researching that stuff here. It would cost $360 for a first visit and $60 every 15 min there after. That is insanity. So, I can deal with $95... plus I only have $50 this weekend, so she is letting me make payments. which no one does anymore.

PLUS... a homeopath is included in the price. Which I was going to make an appt with my homeopathic consult to get a new one anyway. So that saves me $25-30 right there.

I also really love her approach to medicine. She doesn't believe that you need tons of meds, whether they are prescription or herbal. I of course feel the same way and wont take most things given to me. Even if they are herbal. So I think we will have a good understanding of each other. I am looking forward to it.

I also went to the ENT today for my dizziness. They want to do a VNG test to see if it could be an inner ear problem that is causing it. I know its going to be expensive and I am so tired of wasting money on doctors stuff that is just a waste of time. It's most likely that they will just tell me that they dont know where its coming from and that its anxiety or migraines or whatever.

I do worry (of course) that is something serious and this would be my only way to find out. It's not so much the dizziness that scares me. It's the sudden rushes to my head and the disorienting feeling. I dont know. I need to see what the insurance will cover and decide from there.

I know it doesnt seem like it with my crazy jumbled thoughts written here, but I do feel like I have more mental clarity. Usually there is always "static" in the background, but now it seems to have subsided. I usually have to cut people off because I am not going to remember what I was thinking. Last night I was able to talk to Mo and have a conversation where I didnt get confused or led off on different topics to never make my way back. Even now I feel like that voice that constantly tells me to worry about stuff is gone. I have felt far less anxious today.

I think writing here or anywhere for that matter is going to help me learn to communicate with myself again.

I'm going to keep this up.

It felt really good to write last night, so I think I will continue. I had a strange dream last night about tornadoes. Whenever I have a dream about a tornado it usually means a big change in my life. I don't know if that was the case last night. We have been having a huge wind storm and I am sure I could hear it in my sleep. That definitely could have caused it. I always have dreams about multiple tornadoes. This one was strange, because the tornadoes moved around abnormally. They looked like black snakes coiling together. Also, the tornado completely destroyed our home; however we were all safe. I guess I will see what the future brings and what that dream could have meant.

After my crazy stress out last night. I called my friend who is also working with the same guy that I am. I told her about my day and what I thought about the position and the script we were using. I told her that I think it would be better to focus on the consultations, because the chiropractor is a great salesperson when you sit down with him. If he can get me to follow through with a treatment that can cause a stroke... then he can convince anyone.

I told her all my ideas to see if it was worth talking to the Shaun. Then she went and talked to him about all of it like it was her idea. I am sure she conveyed the idea better than I would have, but still I would have liked to have gotten the credit for it.

With that said, I am going back to work tomorrow. Focusing on consultations is going to be so much easier for me. I suck at getting people to give up their money, but a free consultation that could potentially benefit them. I am all over that.

She's here!

It has been months upon months since I have written here... but I felt I should let the lj world know that my daughter has arrived. She is about a week old now... Her name is Ariana Lily and she is absolutely perfect. She has beautiful blue eyes and lots of dark brown hair. Both her dad and I could just stare at her for hours.. and sometimes do. It is so strange to think back when she was just a picture in my head. Where I had some out of body experience and saw myself in the hospital holding her. When that felt like the only direction my life was supposed to take. Coming home and talking to my boyfriend about how we should have a baby before we get married, because it felt like the better choice at the time. Everyone thought that I just got knocked up and we had to get married, but everything was well planned out. We did plan to wait to get married, but the universe decided otherwise. :)

This first week has been very easy, probably cause Mo took two weeks off to stay home with me and the baby. She sleeps very well and we have to wake her up to force her to eat. I have gotten plenty of sleep and actually wish she would be awake more often. I am sure that I will be eating those words in a couple weeks. Right now is definitely the baby moon though. I could not be any happier with where I am. Now I am just looking forward to Christmas. Sky is actually starting to understand the holiday and is getting really excited for it.

Anyway... here is a picture of my little princess...




Venting...

I haven't written on here forever and though I could post lots of good things that have happened... I really just want to vent. I have so much bottled up inside that I feel like I am going to freak out. I am about 5 months pregnant and this pregnancy has really been hard on me... physically and emotionally. Right now its definitely more emotional. I think I have cried almost every day for the last week. I just keep breaking down. I know a lot of this has to do with pregnancy hormones. I wish I could just accept that and get past it, but its not that easy. We are so broke and living paycheck to paycheck. We have two very expensive cars that we have to pay for... which makes it so we can't move to a bigger place. Which I have accepted, but we don't have money for anything. We can pay our bills barely and thats it. We can never go out and Mo and I are so stressed about money that we don't seem to make time for each other. Everything feels like a routine. I feel so unattractive being pregnant, but yet I feel attractive in that pregnancy glow sort of way and that is definitely taking its toll on me. I can never find anything to wear and even when I do I just feel gross. Mo never seems interested in sex... he tells me he doesn't want to make a move thinking I am just going to say that I am not feeling good, but that is taking its toll too. I just feel like I am not appealing to him anymore. I don't really hang out with my friends anymore and they never call and I have no one to talk to.  I have one friend that I talk to, but she talks to me in a condescending way like I am child and I need to just calm down and her problems are far worse than mine.. I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems, but I really need someone to talk to. Mo needs his time as well so I make sure that he goes out with his friends, but then I just sit at home and the weekends become just like the weekdays. I am so tired of this apartment. I have nowhere else to go though... I know things are just going to get worse when the baby is here cause then he will be working late hours and I will be taking care of two kids all day and then when he gets home ill go to bed and then be woken up a hundred times in the night. We will never have time for each other and we'll be even more broke and stressed out. I broke down and told him all of this last night and today seems like he is just trying to kiss me and say I love you to make sure I know, but I want him really to say those things and not just do it because I have a breakdown and need reassurance. On top of all of that his parents still drive insane. His dad is constantly calling and wanting to borrow money or get a ride and his mom is always needing shit too. I really think they should have thier shit together at their ages. Right now Mo was supposed to be home to watch movies with Sky and I because he has been playing d&d with his friends all day... but his mom had an "emergency" cat issue and he has to take her to the vet. So who knows when he is going to be home. Sky and I will probably be asleep by then...

sigh...

bah

I am not supposed to mention this to anyone, but I have to get it off my chest. Mo and I have been talking about marriage. He kind of asked me on our anniversary... the conversation continued a couple days later and I said I was fine with that being the proposal and that we should look at rings. We have spent the last two days at jewelry stores and I am so overwhelmed. I don't know what I want and I see all these guys there picking out the ring for their unsuspecting girlfriend and that's what I want. I am super picky and Mo does not want to get my a ring that I won't like and I understand that, but if he would have gone in by himself they would have told him that he can pick a solitary ring out for the proposal and then bring it back in so I could chose a band. It makes me sad that he didn't even make the effort to go look without me. It makes me sad that I won't have a proper proposal. We are on a tight budget, so if he bought a ring it would be pretty obvious... but I know if he tried he would be able to pull it off. It's like he does not want to make the effort. I want the surprise proposal... I don't want to have to worry about picking out a perfect ring.... I want him. I know that completely. Just the thought of being his wife has made both of us so happy lately. I don't want to put him in debt or making anything harder... I just want to marry him.

New...

I haven't written in a long time. Let's see updates...

-I quit my job and am living off my tax refund and enjoying being a stay at home mom for the time being. Mo changed his schedule at work, so now he gets home at 9:30. Which is much better than 11:30... It makes the days not seem so long.


-I am taking a life coaching course. It's called Impact. It should change my perspective on life and hopefully help with my anxiety. It should be a pretty hardcore course. It's 4 days and pretty much all day. It's also three tiers... so once I finish the first 4 days there will be another course a week after. It costs alot of money, so I really hope that it works. I have few friends that have gone through it and they swear by it. If this fails then I am finally going on medication. Which... if you know me at all. I hate medication.

-Tomorrow is my one year anniversary with Mo. I can't believe it's only been a year. It feels like so much longer. Probably because we have gone through everything already. I have been unemployed twice... we have been on vacation... he has moved in... my son has called him dad. We are pretty damn official.

- I have lost alot of friends. My best friend is pretty much out of my life now. She showed me that our friendship means nothing to her... even though I let her live with me twice cause she couldn't take care of herself or her kids. I was always there for her... I guess it's better that I am not wasting the effort anymore.

That's about it...

Oh, also. I am wearing a sundress in winter... I really miss summer. 

Collapse

I have come to a new understanding lately. I have decided that my life is all based on perspective. I had a mini nervous breakdown last night. I had a lot of pent up feelings that I had not told anyone about. They were just festering... and creating my inevitable collapse. My poor boyfriend was there when I broke. He said I love you and I just started crying. We have had a hard time with communication lately, so I didn't feel like I could be open with him. He is the one person I should be able to go to and I was so scared of what he would think of me.

When he met me I was at this great point in my life. I was independent and happy. I was at a point that I had never been at before. I have a hard time making friends, especially at places of employment, but this was the first job where I was friends with everyone. Where I was happy to go to work and the people that I worked with seemed like a second family. I thought I was cured from this anti social behavior, but I was wrong. I don't feel like I belong at all at my new job. The first few weeks were really hard cause I was mostly silent all day. After awhile I have started to talk to a few people, but I can't really see myself becoming friends with anyone of them. Aside from playing on xbox live. This has taken a huge toll on me. I miss my job. I miss that life. I am not happy with the person that I have become. I don't know how he can still love me. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I hardly ever clean. I feel like a horrible parent because my son is completely out of control and I don't know what to do.  I only see him at night and on the weekends and I should be able to handle him, but I can't. :(


All this came pouring out of me last night. Luckily my boyfriend was there to hold me and let me get it out. I kept asking him why he wanted to be with me, when he could be with someone that doesn't have a kid and doesn't have these issues. His response was "I happen to like that three year old and I happen to adore you." My heart just melted. I feel so selfish and stupid when my life is so amazingly full of greatness and all I can focus on are the bad things. We laid in bed and talked for awhile and I realized that I miss my old life so much, but at the time I wasn't happy with that either. I take a lot for granted. And everything was perfect then... and everything is perfect now. It's just my perspective. It's hard not to focus on the negatives especially when I can so easily fall into a depression spiral, but I am going to try. 

My life is great right now. My job might be a little hard to deal with and my son might be hard to handle, but I love my son and my boyfriend and that's all that matters. They are always here for me and I couldn't ask for anything more.

The Cure?

I just read a review of the new Cure album 4:13 Dream and now am very curious to hear the album. I pretty much gave up on The Cure. I will always love their old stuff, but didn't think that they were capable of producing worthwhile music anymore. The reviews that I read were comparing the new cd to "Wish"... one of my favorites...

I am going to try and obtain a copy of it tonight. Has anyone heard it yet? I need some feedback.

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adriasirena
adriasirena

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